Talking About My Last Breakup

Yes, I know that me writing this post might come back to bite me back in the future. A year ago, this month, I went through a messy breakup, and I’m about to tell you how it all went down. What I’m trying to take away from this post is one my thought process which I always do better in writing form and second I have hopes this might give some courage to those who need it.

So, I guess it’s storytime. I was about six months out as a trans, and of course, I had a lot of questions, so I went on a transgender Facebook and asked questions than someone was rude to me and there was one person who defended me, so I messaged him with a thank you. We became friends. Feelings started to fly, and we started dating. I became friends with his mum because she sent me a friend request. We dated for a week, and he dumped me and blocked me. Back in February 2018, he sent a friend request again. He told me that in a few months he is coming to Malta to see me.

We restarted our relationship, and we started making plans of me moving to Uk and get getting engaged and everything was going smooth. I went to get him from the airport; we need lunch, and he locked himself in my bedroom. In the evening, we went out, and he dumped me in pubic saying that he can’t cope with my disability. He lived and slept in my house without paying a cent for that or any of the places I took him to. All he did was moan how annoying Malta is which hurts.

A few months ago, I decided to plan a holiday and thought about going to a hotel close to where he lives, but after I told him about it and the way he reacted I quickly changed my mind, I’m going to Cyprus instead. A lot of healing needs to be done before I even think about dating again.

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Alex

It’s Not Just Eating

Do you know what’s weird? Posts about my personal life are the hardest to write, be warned that I’ll be talking about one of the most challenging periods in my life and going through my old eating disorder which might trigger people, so you guys know I’m not super comfortable with my body, and if you need a reason I’m trans and have gender dysphoria. As a teen, I didn’t have a ton of friends so as soon as I made a friend, they quickly became my best friend.

She got in a fight with me, and she said you should wear a bra sometimes, even if I wore them at the time, my mind had a wake-up call that people see my weakness and shame that I worked so hard to hide. I didn’t know there was such a thing as chest binders. I ate only two milkshakes a day using skimmed milk, not even whole fat mil, and I times skip the shakes too. My weight dropped, and at first, no one noticed not even me. I started experiencing headaches, throat aches, hair loss and inflamed gums in my mouth

By the time the people noticed, I had lost so much weight that I couldn’t do my tricks to look a healthy weight anymore. My school expelled me instead of helped me. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist and being that I was 15, I had no say in it. The psychiatrist gave me anti-depressants and discharged me, which of course didn’t work because the issue was much more profound than what meets the eye. As an adult, I started a psychologist that helped me understand my eating disorder and helped me heal.

What I want to say to you if you’re going through something like this it does get better even it doesn’t feel like it will right now. Just ask for help, have faith in yourself, and give it time like me you might need more time to heal.

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Alex

Disability And Blame

Let me be honest and transparent; this wasn’t the post I had planning, but after the event that I just went to and all the feelings I felt I think I need to vent about this topic for many reasons but mainly so I can process what I’m feeling.

Ever since I was a little child, people blamed me for my disability, starting with my own father. This issue cost me a relationship with him. The same happened nearly a year ago, but this time the person was my ex who left me after only a few hours after he came to Malta and his reason for breaking with me was that he couldn’t cope with my Cerebral Palsy.

Today, there was my best friend and the closest person to me on this earth, I think, or at least I thought he was till tonight. He planned a picnic on the beach. And I couldn’t access parts of the beach because of sand (if any of you are a wheelchair user you will understand what I’m about to say) wheelchair wheels get stuck in the sand and you won’t be able to move anywhere. All his friends wanted to go on the sand part. So, of course, I didn’t join them, and when I explained why my best friend said that’s just an excuse, so my safety became just an excuse in his eyes and that hurts me.

To all the people who have been blamed for your disability, it’s not you; it’s the other person or persons that are being only thinking of themselves or a better word for it selfish.

Alex

Endocrinologists And Hormones: Today Is The Day

Hey, the day you’re reading this I’m at the gender clinic waiting to meet my third endocrinologist, and I don’t think I ever gave my full story when it comes to hormones and endocrinologists and to do that I’m going to have to go back to the very start of everything. I believe that raw and honest is the way to go.

A week before my 21^st birthday, I felt like the world is falling on my head, and I couldn’t cope. So I went online and when on the support group that we have in Malta. They spoke to me and gave me links to groups that could help me. I searched all the organises, and the one that stood up to me, so I sent them a Facebook message. That’s how I met my social worker, and she gave me a name to what I was feeling. She confirmed that I’m trans, and I have something called gender dysphoria from my answers to her questions.

The first few months of my transition, I thought that I wouldn’t need testosterone but as soon, as I stopped denying my mind the freedom. It just clicked, and I knew I wanted to help with hormones to help me physically and mentally. I went to the doctor that takes care of me for cerebral palsy came out to her, and I asked her for a blood test to check my hormones levels given that I have PCOS, and I also asked for a referral to an endocrinologist.

She told me that I would need a psychologist, so she gave me another reference to one. (In Maltese law you don’t need a psychologist or a psychiatrist to start hormones). I took my blood on the same day, and a few days they gave me appointments to both clinics on the same day. The first appointment with the psychologist went well, in fact, she’s my psychologist to this day.

However, I can’t say the same for the endocrinologist. I entered the room, and the doctor yelled my death name and asked me ‘what are you doing here?’ I said because I’m trans and I want hormones. I told her that I’ve been 6 months out as a man and she called me a baby. She wanted two years with a psychiatrist and two reports from two different psychiatrists, which is against the trans laws in Malta. I never turned to see that doctor again.

A few months, I went to a private clinic, and this endocrinologist was a tiny bit more understanding. He said he could see that I’m trans from my history. However, he didn’t see my test result or explained them to me neither did the first one. The only excuse that this doctor gave me for not allowing it was that I wasn’t out to my dad yet, which is illegal because I was over 18 which means I didn’t need my parent’s permission.

So here we are today, I hope that this doctor doesn’t refuse my case, that I can take my blood tested again and explained and hopefully he will answer some of the questions I have, praying in the end that everything will lead me to start hormones.

Wish me luck,

Alex

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Thanks

To my blogging family

Having you all means the world to me

Always there to support me

Not only with me in the good but in the bad too

Kindness is what always waits for me in your comments

Sending good vibes and advice

Guys, I can’t believe it, but I just ranched 300 subscribers which is mind-blowing to me, and you guys did it again, I’m speechless. Thanks for the support.

Alex

Downlights Candles🕯🕯

I was surfing the web and stumbled upon this video titled “My Perfect Family: Candle Dad”, and it got me interested. It starts with the dad cooking breakfast for his family, who lives in Beachland, Auckland, New Zealand. From the first few minutes in the video Tony, the dad introduces us to Nicki and Emma Sykes, who are only 13 months between each other but what makes them unique is that the sisters both have downs syndrome hence the name downlights that I’ll get to in a minute.

When Emma finished school at age 21, her dad Tony tried to find a job for her, and he asked a variety of businesses that he knew since he had his own business. Sadly no one wanted to give her a job, so they started their own business making candles. They always had candles at home, and Emma really likes them, so the dad thought let’s make candles. However, he soon figured out that making candles it’s not as easy as it seems, so he asked help from his friends and one of them introduced him to Jennifer Del Bel who already had her candle making company.

She offered Tony and Emma to use her manufactured facility to produce their own candles while she taught them those tips and tricks that she picked out along the years. In the beginning, Tony had a small selection of fragrances that he would sell at the market, and that’s what lead to the media picking up the story and talk about it which helped them sell a candle a minute for two days after they appeared on TV. Which help the brand Downlights get on its feet, and I think you already why the name downlights and that’s because both girls have downs syndrome.

The independence in Emma has grown since the start of the business, which is really amazing to see. To see the changes for a better life that this job gave her makes me go speechless! Tony hopes that as the business grows, he can employ more people with downs syndrome so that they too can have a better life.

Downlights Information :

Facebook

Website

Instagram

Best of luck Downlights,

Alex

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My Thoughts On Five Feet Apart The Movie

So, the day I’m writing this post, I’m at home in bed with a chest infection, and my breathing isn’t too well. Yesterday, I finished Five Feet Apart and here are my thoughts about it. Now, I don’t have Cystic Fibrosis, but I do have Cerebral Palsy, which is a lifetime condition too. So I know all about medication, therapy, hospitals, and not being able to hang out with friends because my body is too weak. Image result for five feet apart gif

The person who inspired Justin Baldoni, the director of Five Feet Apart was a YouTuber Claire Wineland who help Justin getting as close as possible to the real Cystic Fibrosis (cfers) patients’ lives. Sadly she passed away a few days before the movie premiered. However, upon further research, I found out of Dalton and Katie, whom both had Cystic Fibrosis but against medical advice fell in love and got married. Image result for five feet apart gif

I see myself in Stella, I do reminders on my phone to remember me if I need a new medicine, so I found that touch real. It might be tough to not be able to touch your friends and people you love when they need you the most. One interesting fact is that the book Five Feet Apart by Rachael Lippincott, Mikki Daughtry, and Tobias Iaconis was written after they started filming the movie. Related image

Usually, it’s the other way around. Will is the opposite, and I think that’s what made them fell in love because they bring the best in each other. I think they romanticised Cystic Fibrosis to ease the public into knowing and learning more about this condition. In my opinion, showcasing any health condition at this level will create awareness, educate and raise funds in research for Cystic Fibrosis, and that is always needed.

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Alex