Today, I told myself that the first song I listen to, I will make it work for me, but I listened to two songs in reality, and they both brought memories to the table, so which one I pick will depend on whether the lyrics are available or not. I was a happy kid until I wasn’t, and I can pinpoint it to an event at school. I started to deal with dysphoria before I was 8 years old, and even thinking about my body makes me feel warm and uncomfortable.
I had what we call an LSC or a helping aide, if you are in America. The issue was that my LSC had her sister doing the same job with another student who wasn’t in my year. What my LSC would do is take me out of class and go chit-chat with her sister. One day, they were chatting and not paying attention. The other student had an intellectual disability, so he grabbed me by my neck and tried to pull my wheelchair down the stairs. I started to be unable to sleep, having nightmares, and I would have panic attacks even if left alone in a room for just two minutes.
The part I’m mad about is the doctors, my mum took me to, so they could ‘help’. The sad part was that they all said nothing was wrong with me and that I was doing it for attention. When it lasted months, my parents figured out I wasn’t acting, but they didn’t know how to help. So only time had to heal. Later on, I did speak to church people, like the priest I trusted, but that didn’t really work. The lyrics in “I Did It Tired” by Kara Holt hit home especially “, I don’t need a softer past, I just need my strength to last”. You are likely saying you have gotten over it by now. Yes, for the most part, but I’m doing it for the slim chance a parent or a teen needs to see this.
I Did It Tired Lyrics:
Lyrics: I did it tired
I did it broke
I made the bed
I wore the coat
I fed the mouths
I dried the tears
I held my breath for years and years
I smiled small
I stayed polite
Then cried alone most every night
Nobody saw what it required
I did it tired
Don’t ask me how I stayed
Some days
I just obeyed
The voice inside that said don’t quit
So I didn’t
I did it tired
I did it scared
I did it broken
no one cared
I did it lonely
I did it hurt
I did it anyway
I made it work
I did it tired
I paid the bills
I took the blame
I lost myself and kept my name
I bent so far
I almost broke
I swallowed words
I should have spoke
I held the line
I held the door
I gave too much then gave some more
Nobody clapped nobody cheered
I’m still here
Don’t ask me how I stayed
Some days
I just obeyed
The voice inside that said don’t quit
I did it tired
I did it scared
I did it broken
no one cared
I did it lonely
I did it hurt
I did it anyway
I made it work
I did it tired
I don’t need a softer past
I just need my strength to last
I did it tired
I did it scared
I did it broken no one cared
I did it lonely
I did it hurt
I did it anyway
I made it work
I did it tired
I’m still here
Bodies:
Just because you don’t see it
It doesn’t mean it isn’t there
Pain expands through the body
In ways, the mind doesn’t always comprehend
Doesn’t mean you don’t feel it
Or can easily show it