A book cover
Caught my eye
Because of this beautiful girl
Was on it
Little did I know
That the main character
Just like me
She has a hard time
She is stupid
She is one
Smart and strong
Yes, I know that me writing this post might come back to bite me back in the future. A year ago, this month, I went through a messy breakup, and I’m about to tell you how it all went down. What I’m trying to take away from this post is one my thought process which I always do better in writing form and second I have hopes this might give some courage to those who need it.
So, I guess it’s storytime. I was about six months out as a trans, and of course, I had a lot of questions, so I went on a transgender Facebook and asked questions than someone was rude to me and there was one person who defended me, so I messaged him with a thank you. We became friends. Feelings started to fly, and we started dating. I became friends with his mum because she sent me a friend request. We dated for a week, and he dumped me and blocked me. Back in February 2018, he sent a friend request again. He told me that in a few months he is coming to Malta to see me.
We restarted our relationship, and we started making plans of me moving to Uk and get getting engaged and everything was going smooth. I went to get him from the airport; we need lunch, and he locked himself in my bedroom. In the evening, we went out, and he dumped me in pubic saying that he can’t cope with my disability. He lived and slept in my house without paying a cent for that or any of the places I took him to. All he did was moan how annoying Malta is which hurts.
A few months ago, I decided to plan a holiday and thought about going to a hotel close to where he lives, but after I told him about it and the way he reacted I quickly changed my mind, I’m going to Cyprus instead. A lot of healing needs to be done before I even think about dating again.
Let me be honest and transparent; this wasn’t the post I had planning, but after the event that I just went to and all the feelings I felt I think I need to vent about this topic for many reasons but mainly so I can process what I’m feeling.
Ever since I was a little child, people blamed me for my disability, starting with my own father. This issue cost me a relationship with him. The same happened nearly a year ago, but this time the person was my ex who left me after only a few hours after he came to Malta and his reason for breaking with me was that he couldn’t cope with my Cerebral Palsy.
Today, there was my best friend and the closest person to me on this earth, I think, or at least I thought he was till tonight. He planned a picnic on the beach. And I couldn’t access parts of the beach because of sand (if any of you are a wheelchair user you will understand what I’m about to say) wheelchair wheels get stuck in the sand and you won’t be able to move anywhere. All his friends wanted to go on the sand part. So, of course, I didn’t join them, and when I explained why my best friend said that’s just an excuse, so my safety became just an excuse in his eyes and that hurts me.
To all the people who have been blamed for your disability, it’s not you; it’s the other person or persons that are being only thinking of themselves or a better word for it selfish.
The 7th of June (last month) I had a day off since in Malta it’s a public holiday here. Having said that I can’t remember why it’s a public holiday. I asked my friend if he wants to hang out and after joining me to the launch of TRANSformazzjoni. TRANSformazzjoni is a documentary by MGRM (Malta Gay Rights Movement). This documentary talks about and showcases trans people and their lives in Malta.
TRANSformazzjoni features five people from the trans community here in Malta, who come from different backgrounds and with their own unique life story to share. From the first five minutes, I connected to the people I watched on screen.
Okay let’s fast forward backwards a bit, back in February I met my friend Alex, and he asked me to take part in it, but I couldn’t because I wasn’t out to my dad back then. And I didn’t want to be outed to my family if by any chance they end up seeing it.
To be 100% honest with you I did write something to go in the documentary which I don’t think made the final cut which doesn’t bother me. Most of us were in tears through out the whole thing, and for me, it was tough to watch because it felt like my personal story being told on screen. I started having flashbacks from my past, and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and was very close to face an anxiety attack right then and there.
Thankful I managed to calm myself down. I’m super glad to be invited and be able to attend and watch the launch of this powerful and meaningful piece of art. The ones who created this documentary just uploaded the whole thing on YouTube, so I’ll put the link down below so all of you can watch it. If you’re worried that you won’t understand it cause it’s in Maltese, don’t worry it has subtitles
This is one of my favourite poems that I wrote in my boy. It’s true that I didn’t title any of my works from the book and there is a reason for it, I wanted you the readers to make my writing yours. To think your own life thoughts from your life.
When I tell people, I am a boy
They treat me like a broken toy
When you’re in the wrong body, it feels like a cage
Full of fear and rage
I am transgender is what I will yell
One day my body will get out of this hell
Myself is hard to embrace
When I feel like an empty space
The real me I want to see bloom
Even if I had to walk to the moon
No more shame
When I hear my birth name
Enough with being numb
Happy times will come
I remember very clearly where I was when I wrote this, I was at my dad’s in my childhood home. And feeling the pain that I was going through having told my mum and sister that I’m a trans guy and I remember being very angry at myself because I wanted to be the person that my family wanted so they would accept me.
Then, I realised that before they start to accept me and see me as a man, I have to do that myself first. A bit longer than a year and a half from that day. I did have a name change, and my gender marker changed to male, so my name carries no shame as I said in the last line, I still believe that happy times will come. I guess if I was honest, now that I’m rereading this I think it’s a reminder that everything will be okay in the end.
This month I read 44 books, which is typical for me. I decided to tell you what happened this month, so here we go. This month didn’t start so high, the family had to say farewell to Abby, our dog, and that made the whole feel lost. It was time to face one of my fears head on, I returned to a hair salon, in this case, a barbershop after a lot of anxiety I did it, and it changed the way I look at myself. The magic of a haircut!
I’ve been able to stay in my “happy place.” The reason is I was able to find my comfort zone and got me through hard times, including being sick with a chest infection. A few days ago I got a text from this person saying that I’m “toxic” person, I don’t think I’m but if I ever hurt anyone I’m sorry harming or triggering anyone isn’t my aim in life.
I’m meeting my third endocrinologist on the 24th this month so wish me because I’m scared of the unknown and that my case is rejected but, I’m not going to give up because I know I’m a man and that’s what’s important to me.
I was surfing the web and stumbled upon this video titled “My Perfect Family: Candle Dad”, and it got me interested. It starts with the dad cooking breakfast for his family, who lives in Beachland, Auckland, New Zealand. From the first few minutes in the video Tony, the dad introduces us to Nicki and Emma Sykes, who are only 13 months between each other but what makes them unique is that the sisters both have downs syndrome hence the name downlights that I’ll get to in a minute.
When Emma finished school at age 21, her dad Tony tried to find a job for her, and he asked a variety of businesses that he knew since he had his own business. Sadly no one wanted to give her a job, so they started their own business making candles. They always had candles at home, and Emma really likes them, so the dad thought let’s make candles. However, he soon figured out that making candles it’s not as easy as it seems, so he asked help from his friends and one of them introduced him to Jennifer Del Bel who already had her candle making company.
She offered Tony and Emma to use her manufactured facility to produce their own candles while she taught them those tips and tricks that she picked out along the years. In the beginning, Tony had a small selection of fragrances that he would sell at the market, and that’s what lead to the media picking up the story and talk about it which helped them sell a candle a minute for two days after they appeared on TV. Which help the brand Downlights get on its feet, and I think you already why the name downlights and that’s because both girls have downs syndrome.
The independence in Emma has grown since the start of the business, which is really amazing to see. To see the changes for a better life that this job gave her makes me go speechless! Tony hopes that as the business grows, he can employ more people with downs syndrome so that they too can have a better life.
Downlights Information :
Best of luck Downlights,