TRANSformazzjoni

The 7th of June (last month) I had a day off since in Malta it’s a public holiday here. Having said that I can’t remember why it’s a public holiday. I asked my friend if he wants to hang out and after joining me to the launch of TRANSformazzjoni. TRANSformazzjoni is a documentary by MGRM (Malta Gay Rights Movement). This documentary talks about and showcases trans people and their lives in Malta.

TRANSformazzjoni features five people from the trans community here in Malta, who come from different backgrounds and with their own unique life story to share. From the first five minutes, I connected to the people I watched on screen.

Okay let’s fast forward backwards a bit, back in February I met my friend Alex, and he asked me to take part in it, but I couldn’t because I wasn’t out to my dad back then. And I didn’t want to be outed to my family if by any chance they end up seeing it.

To be 100% honest with you I did write something to go in the documentary which I don’t think made the final cut which doesn’t bother me. Most of us were in tears through out the whole thing, and for me, it was tough to watch because it felt like my personal story being told on screen. I started having flashbacks from my past, and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and was very close to face an anxiety attack right then and there.

Thankful I managed to calm myself down. I’m super glad to be invited and be able to attend and watch the launch of this powerful and meaningful piece of art. The ones who created this documentary just uploaded the whole thing on YouTube, so I’ll put the link down below so all of you can watch it. If you’re worried that you won’t understand it cause it’s in Maltese, don’t worry it has subtitles

Alex

Advertisements

Endocrinologists And Hormones: Today Is The Day

Hey, the day you’re reading this I’m at the gender clinic waiting to meet my third endocrinologist, and I don’t think I ever gave my full story when it comes to hormones and endocrinologists and to do that I’m going to have to go back to the very start of everything. I believe that raw and honest is the way to go.

A week before my 21st birthday, I felt like the world is falling on my head, and I couldn’t cope. So I went online and when on the support group that we have in Malta. They spoke to me and gave me links to groups that could help me. I searched all the organises, and the one that stood up to me, so I sent them a Facebook message. That’s how I met my social worker, and she gave me a name to what I was feeling. She confirmed that I’m trans, and I have something called gender dysphoria from my answers to her questions.

The first few months of my transition, I thought that I wouldn’t need testosterone but as soon, as I stopped denying my mind the freedom. It just clicked, and I knew I wanted to help with hormones to help me physically and mentally. I went to the doctor that takes care of me for cerebral palsy came out to her, and I asked her for a blood test to check my hormones levels given that I have PCOS, and I also asked for a referral to an endocrinologist.

She told me that I would need a psychologist, so she gave me another reference to one. (In Maltese law you  don’t need a psychologist or a psychiatrist to start hormones). I took my blood on the same day, and a few days they gave me appointments to both clinics on the same day. The first appointment with the psychologist went well, in fact, she’s my psychologist to this day.

However, I can’t say the same for the endocrinologist. I entered the room, and the doctor yelled my death name and asked me ‘what are you doing here?’ I said because I’m trans and I want hormones. I told her that I’ve been 6 months out as a man and she called me a baby. She wanted two years with a psychiatrist and two reports from two different psychiatrists, which is against the trans laws in Malta. I never turned to see that doctor again.

A few months, I went to a private clinic, and this endocrinologist was a tiny bit more understanding. He said he could see that I’m trans from my history. However, he didn’t see my test result or explained them to me neither did the first one. The only excuse that this doctor gave me for not allowing it was that I wasn’t out to my dad yet, which is illegal because I was over 18 which means I didn’t need my parent’s permission.

So here we are today, I hope that this doctor doesn’t refuse my case, that I can take my blood tested again and explained and hopefully he will answer some of the questions I have, praying in the end that everything will lead me to start hormones.

Wish me luck,

Alex

Related image

Will It Ever Be Father And Son?

If you read my last post on the subject, you know that going to my childhood home isn’t the easiest to cope as I said in this post here. Months ago, my mum outed me to my dad, and I guess she was right that was the most straightforward way of doing things and for the truth to come out.

I didn’t know that my dad knew, and I was about to change my name and gender marker. I wanted my dad to know, so I went to my mum and told her that I was worried because I wanted to come out to dad, but I knew he won’t accept me as his son, and my mum said to me that he already knew and didn’t get it.

In the same day when I had my gender clinic appointment, my mum needed to go to Gozo (where my dad and my dogs live), so after the clinic, I went with mum. My dad and I had a head to head conversation, and my dad said some of the most hurtful words I was ever told. To the point where I couldn’t even open out about the week after in therapy.

Guess what the day I’m writing this I’m back in my parent’s home because my mum wanted to come, and I had no choice but to come with them soon my mum is the only one who takes care of me. My dad and I are on speaking terms, but he still views me and thinks of me as his daughter, and before you come for me, I know that these things take time.

I’m willing to wait for things to heal because the saying says time heals everything. However, I’m worried that once I start hormones, my dad will disown me and that will be the end of an already rocky relationship. My relationship with my dad has always been rocky. For me to become my true self, I’m risking losing a parent for my life.

 

Always on the fight to become more me,

Alex

 

What Not To Tell Trans People

You have the body of a Female/Male, so you are Female/Male.

What do you have down there?

It’s a choice.

Tranny/Fag/Freak.

It’s just a phase.

I’ll be your friend if you don’t transition.

You’ll burn to hell.

Grow out of it.

 

These are just a few of the stuff I’ve been told but, this also made me a stronger human and happy because I’m not living a lie but as myself.

Related image

Becoming Alex

If you read My last few posts, you know that I had an appointment at the gender clinic, after discussing things with a nurse and a social worker, who happens to be my social worker, so she knew a lot of my history. Give me a second to fast-forward a bit; I got a notary to start the process to obtain that M on my birth certificate and fulfill my eight-year-old dream not to have my dead name and replace it with Alex Jo Haber.

The people at the clinic were very nice, which in a way that was a good surprise cause my heart was beating in my stomach. My dead name was yelled in the middle of the waiting room, but that’s something I’m used to. After reviewing both my medical and life history. They told me what they can offer me, and I said yes to hormone therapy and top surgery. I’m still on the fence about starting speech therapy (it would help deepen my voice). I would do it, but there’s only so much time off I can take from work. However, testosterone will deepen my voice so YaY! Next step is meeting an endocrinologist.

The department wants to change my psychologist, and if this happens I won’t be returning to therapy just because for someone new to help me I need to open up about my past, and I don’t want to re-open wounds that are close to healing.

Alex

 

Going to my first gender clinic appointment

Like most of you know, I’m trans. As this post is going up, I’m at my appointment. Here are my thoughts before I go. The first meeting is with a social worker and a nurse. Luckily I know the clinic social worker because she has been my social worker for more than two years, the nurse I don’t know. I’m going to be as open and honest as I can.

What’s scaring me?

The first fear that comes to my head is that I get misunderstood, what I mean by misunderstood is that most doctors and nurses I came out to think that I’m transgender as a result of me being a wheelchair user. Because I can guess that I’ll have to answer a lot of intimate questions, I fear that I answer wrong or something. My anxiety is a worry because I might have to take breaks at the meeting to calm myself down.

My hopes and desires?

I’m lucky that I’ve friends who went through the process before me, so they tell me what will be happening. I chose to ask another trans man to come with me as support. I hope that the nurse doesn’t find anything that won’t allow me to have hormones. Hormones that will help me deal with my gender dysphoria so basically all I need is the all clear with this nurse for me go to the next step which is meeting an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) which will lead me to the most thing I want testosterone.

Wish me luck,

Alex