I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I might as well start from the beginning. A few months, my endocrinologist ordered a bunch of blood tests to see if I still have Polycystic ovary syndrome. (Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age) And the reason behind the tests is to have a definite yes or no about this condition and whether I have it.
I don’t have most of the symptoms of PCOS, but I have some like body hair, sadly I don’t have it on my face, I do get irregular cycles, pelvic pain, I don’t know how fertile or infertile I’m because I never tried to get pregnant. So, if it turns out I have PCOS, then I’ll deal with it as I deal with everything else in life. Hopefully, it turns out that I don’t have which will lower my risk of having things like type 2 diabetes – a lifelong condition that causes a person’s blood sugar level to become too high. Depression and mood swings – because the symptoms of PCOS can affect your confidence and self-esteem. High blood pressure and high cholesterol – which can lead to heart disease and stroke and sleep apnoea – overweight women may also develop sleep apnoea, a condition that causes interrupted breathing during sleep.
My endocrinologist told me to go and see a psychiatrist who works with trans people and just to make it clear here in Malta you don’t need a psychiatrist report to start hormones. Having said that I needed to see one due to my anxiety and my history an eating disorder. To say that I wasn’t terrified is like saying a monkey doesn’t like banana I know it’s not the best comparison, but it’s all I can compare to right now. I went to the appointment two hours late by mistake but thanked God she still saw me and she was super friendly.
She confirmed that both my anxiety and my past eating disorder is the cause of gender dysphoria. She recommended me for hormones and top surgery. It felt freeing because I’m not going to seem as ‘insane’ as my 15-year-old self has seemed. My aim and dream are for more training for doctors when it comes to handling trans patients. I choose to share my medical stuff for the sole reason to remind people that they aren’t alone, so if you guys have any questions put them down in the comments, and I’ll try my best to answer them.
Love you guys
They told me to go find
But I can’t leave my anxious mind behind
When it comes to mental health people are blind
Like a monster that likes to hide
Making you go in a roadless ride
But you’re strong
And with needing help, there is no wrong
Do you know what’s weird? Posts about my personal life are the hardest to write, be warned that I’ll be talking about one of the most challenging periods in my life and going through my old eating disorder which might trigger people, so you guys know I’m not super comfortable with my body, and if you need a reason I’m trans and have gender dysphoria. As a teen, I didn’t have a ton of friends so as soon as I made a friend, they quickly became my best friend.
She got in a fight with me, and she said you should wear a bra sometimes, even if I wore them at the time, my mind had a wake-up call that people see my weakness and shame that I worked so hard to hide. I didn’t know there was such a thing as chest binders. I ate only two milkshakes a day using skimmed milk, not even whole fat mil, and I times skip the shakes too. My weight dropped, and at first, no one noticed not even me. I started experiencing headaches, throat aches, hair loss and inflamed gums in my mouth
By the time the people noticed, I had lost so much weight that I couldn’t do my tricks to look a healthy weight anymore. My school expelled me instead of helped me. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist and being that I was 15, I had no say in it. The psychiatrist gave me anti-depressants and discharged me, which of course didn’t work because the issue was much more profound than what meets the eye. As an adult, I started a psychologist that helped me understand my eating disorder and helped me heal.
What I want to say to you if you’re going through something like this it does get better even it doesn’t feel like it will right now. Just ask for help, have faith in yourself, and give it time like me you might need more time to heal.
I wasn’t going to post this; in fact, it took me about a month to get the courage to post this. I’m not doing it for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this because it might help someone else and for me to read as time passes.
I must say that going into it; I felt like I was about to be served a prison sentence or being set free. I went into the room, and the nurse asked me who was waiting with me, and I said, mum and sister. The endocrinologist said good morning and started asking questions. I told him about my PCOS, and he opened my old hormones test and what he saw didn’t match with PCOS, and that was a bit of a shock for me. It’s what we were told I had when I was 15 before I was discharged by the gynaecologist I had.
Another issue is my antidepressants (fluvoxamine), which again I was given by a psychiatrist and was discharged by that doctor too. However, he didn’t tell my parents when I can stop taking them being that I was 15; therefore, still underage I had no say in it. Eight years later, I’m still taking them. As I’m learning more about myself, I’m noticing that I feel anxious every time I get dysphoria like they’re best friends or something I won’t have one without the other, which might be the problem here. But again, I’m not a psychiatrist.
When my mum enters the room, she acted very supportively, and that’s not the mum I have to face at home, as you know, my mum is sometimes transphobia. She made the endocrinologist believe that I’m the one who takes my mum out of my life. As you know, I tried so much to tell how I’m feeling, but she is a wall I can’t breakthrough. And her pointing fingers at me hurt, and that’s when I ended up in tears. Luckily as time passes, the relationship with my mum is getting better.
I found out about this book because I was looking for characters with ADHD. This book starts with two girls who are assigned a school project together. Kat has anxiety, and Meg ADHD and either girl want to admit that out loud, I think the reason why they wouldn’t speak up out about it is due to the dark light that society on mental illness. This book will hold a special in my heart as the main characters are similar to best friend and me. Like Kat and Meg, I’ve anxiety and my best friend ADHD. This book is an essential lesson on mental illness and unbreakable friendships. My rating is a five out of five stars.
You’ve a powerful yell
But that I’m hurting you can’t tell
With people, you use your charm
Your eyes are so close that to cope with your son harms
You can see tears
Full of fears
I feel pain to the core
Can I live anymore
If I die will I be free?
Or I will still be locked with a key