I wasn’t going to post this; in fact, it took me about a month to get the courage to post this. I’m not doing it for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this because it might help someone else and for me to read as time passes.
I must say that going into it; I felt like I was about to be served a prison sentence or being set free. I went into the room, and the nurse asked me who was waiting with me, and I said, mum and sister. The endocrinologist said good morning and started asking questions. I told him about my PCOS, and he opened my old hormones test and what he saw didn’t match with PCOS, and that was a bit of a shock for me. It’s what we were told I had when I was 15 before I was discharged by the gynaecologist I had.
Another issue is my antidepressants (fluvoxamine), which again I was given by a psychiatrist and was discharged by that doctor too. However, he didn’t tell my parents when I can stop taking them being that I was 15; therefore, still underage I had no say in it. Eight years later, I’m still taking them. As I’m learning more about myself, I’m noticing that I feel anxious every time I get dysphoria like they’re best friends or something I won’t have one without the other, which might be the problem here. But again, I’m not a psychiatrist.
When my mum enters the room, she acted very supportively, and that’s not the mum I have to face at home, as you know, my mum is sometimes transphobia. She made the endocrinologist believe that I’m the one who takes my mum out of my life. As you know, I tried so much to tell how I’m feeling, but she is a wall I can’t breakthrough. And her pointing fingers at me hurt, and that’s when I ended up in tears. Luckily as time passes, the relationship with my mum is getting better.
If you read my last post on the subject, you know that going to my childhood home isn’t the easiest to cope as I said in this post here. Months ago, my mum outed me to my dad, and I guess she was right that was the most straightforward way of doing things and for the truth to come out.
I didn’t know that my dad knew, and I was about to change my name and gender marker. I wanted my dad to know, so I went to my mum and told her that I was worried because I wanted to come out to dad, but I knew he won’t accept me as his son, and my mum said to me that he already knew and didn’t get it.
In the same day when I had my gender clinic appointment, my mum needed to go to Gozo (where my dad and my dogs live), so after the clinic, I went with mum. My dad and I had a head to head conversation, and my dad said some of the most hurtful words I was ever told. To the point where I couldn’t even open out about the week after in therapy.
Guess what the day I’m writing this I’m back in my parent’s home because my mum wanted to come, and I had no choice but to come with them soon my mum is the only one who takes care of me. My dad and I are on speaking terms, but he still views me and thinks of me as his daughter, and before you come for me, I know that these things take time.
I’m willing to wait for things to heal because the saying says time heals everything. However, I’m worried that once I start hormones, my dad will disown me and that will be the end of an already rocky relationship. My relationship with my dad has always been rocky. For me to become my true self, I’m risking losing a parent for my life.
Always on the fight to become more me,
Like most of you know, I’m trans. As this post is going up, I’m at my appointment. Here are my thoughts before I go. The first meeting is with a social worker and a nurse. Luckily I know the clinic social worker because she has been my social worker for more than two years, the nurse I don’t know. I’m going to be as open and honest as I can.
What’s scaring me?
The first fear that comes to my head is that I get misunderstood, what I mean by misunderstood is that most doctors and nurses I came out to think that I’m transgender as a result of me being a wheelchair user. Because I can guess that I’ll have to answer a lot of intimate questions, I fear that I answer wrong or something. My anxiety is a worry because I might have to take breaks at the meeting to calm myself down.
My hopes and desires?
I’m lucky that I’ve friends who went through the process before me, so they tell me what will be happening. I chose to ask another trans man to come with me as support. I hope that the nurse doesn’t find anything that won’t allow me to have hormones. Hormones that will help me deal with my gender dysphoria so basically all I need is the all clear with this nurse for me go to the next step which is meeting an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) which will lead me to the most thing I want testosterone.
Wish me luck,
Yesterday I read a memoir by a remarkable man called Skylar Kergil and his journey from female to male. Upon reading the first few pages, I quickly realised how every transition is different depending on the person who is going through it. My second thought was this will be meaningful to me because I’m going through the same situation knowing that I’m not alone in this world is reassuring since sometimes it feels like that. It gave me some medical information I’ve been craving. This book is for anyone who’s interested in reading what a transgender person needs to go through to be who they were born to be. I gave it five out five stars.
I get that my bookish friends would love a book giveaway. However being a trans guy myself, I know what it is like to dream to have a chest binder and can’t afford it. So I’m going to post this in some trans guys groups, and hopefully, I won’t get flagged or ban for the groups.
So, if you’re a trans guy and need a chest binder comment down below or email here me email@example.com. Tell me a bit about yourself and why you need a binder. Keep in mind that I’m trans myself and I get it. Giveaway will close 10 th November.