Last month my friend sent me this link and told me to read it but told me anything else so today I listened to the whole interview. I knew that I wanted my readers to meet Dominick Evans and understand that people with disabilities can still be transgender.
The first ever blog post that ever wrote was based on this subject. My endocrinologist came up with a lot of excuses because he saw that I’m a wheelchair user, so for me to Dominick Evans’s story is very important not only to show the massive strength that transgender community has but that we are unique like everyone else. Dominick is a non-binary transgender who was born with a condition called spinal muscular atrophy that forced him to live in a wheelchair by the age of 16.
Having said that doesn’t mean that his dysphoria stopped as he says in his interview. Dominick couldn’t have his hormone therapy because he had no way of transportation and the doctors didn’t help him when at last after years of trying he found an endocrinologist who gave him testosterone so that he could live life as his authentic self. He was severely bullied, and when he came out at age 16, things didn’t get better.
However, he didn’t give up later on in life he returned to WSU in 2010, where he completed his BFA in Motion Pictures Production inspiring him to become a filmmaker. In 2015, he won IndieFEST Award of Recognition with his first film Trip. If my research is correct, he lives with Ashtyn Law and his son Robert Law
If you read my last post on the subject, you know that going to my childhood home isn’t the easiest to cope as I said in this post here. Months ago, my mum outed me to my dad, and I guess she was right that was the most straightforward way of doing things and for the truth to come out.
I didn’t know that my dad knew, and I was about to change my name and gender marker. I wanted my dad to know, so I went to my mum and told her that I was worried because I wanted to come out to dad, but I knew he won’t accept me as his son, and my mum said to me that he already knew and didn’t get it.
In the same day when I had my gender clinic appointment, my mum needed to go to Gozo (where my dad and my dogs live), so after the clinic, I went with mum. My dad and I had a head to head conversation, and my dad said some of the most hurtful words I was ever told. To the point where I couldn’t even open out about the week after in therapy.
Guess what the day I’m writing this I’m back in my parent’s home because my mum wanted to come, and I had no choice but to come with them soon my mum is the only one who takes care of me. My dad and I are on speaking terms, but he still views me and thinks of me as his daughter, and before you come for me, I know that these things take time.
I’m willing to wait for things to heal because the saying says time heals everything. However, I’m worried that once I start hormones, my dad will disown me and that will be the end of an already rocky relationship. My relationship with my dad has always been rocky. For me to become my true self, I’m risking losing a parent for my life.
Always on the fight to become more me,
Today, the 21st of March 2019 I’m sitting here in a small cafeteria waiting for my notary to sign one of the most critical papers I ever signed. Going back fourteen years ago. My mum and I were talking in bed, and all of a sudden looked at my mum and asked her ”What will it take to change my name?” she said ”A lot of money.” and in a way, she just brushed it off. However, my mind kept dreaming that one day, I’ll have a name that belongs to my true self.
My hands are sweating because I’m excited but also scored, my mum, isn’t jumping for joy about it but she’s still here baby steps people baby steps. Okay, my notary is here. Time for my mum to step away and for my meeting to start. I don’t have much of a reason, but I decided I wanted to do this alone from start to finish.
You have the body of a Female/Male, so you are Female/Male.
What do you have down there?
It’s a choice.
It’s just a phase.
I’ll be your friend if you don’t transition.
You’ll burn to hell.
Grow out of it.
These are just a few of the stuff I’ve been told but, this also made me a stronger human and happy because I’m not living a lie but as myself.
If you read My last few posts, you know that I had an appointment at the gender clinic, after discussing things with a nurse and a social worker, who happens to be my social worker, so she knew a lot of my history. Give me a second to fast-forward a bit; I got a notary to start the process to obtain that M on my birth certificate and fulfill my eight-year-old dream not to have my dead name and replace it with Alex Jo Haber.
The people at the clinic were very nice, which in a way that was a good surprise cause my heart was beating in my stomach. My dead name was yelled in the middle of the waiting room, but that’s something I’m used to. After reviewing both my medical and life history. They told me what they can offer me, and I said yes to hormone therapy and top surgery. I’m still on the fence about starting speech therapy (it would help deepen my voice). I would do it, but there’s only so much time off I can take from work. However, testosterone will deepen my voice so YaY! Next step is meeting an endocrinologist.
The department wants to change my psychologist, and if this happens I won’t be returning to therapy just because for someone new to help me I need to open up about my past, and I don’t want to re-open wounds that are close to healing.
Like most of you know, I’m trans. As this post is going up, I’m at my appointment. Here are my thoughts before I go. The first meeting is with a social worker and a nurse. Luckily I know the clinic social worker because she has been my social worker for more than two years, the nurse I don’t know. I’m going to be as open and honest as I can.
What’s scaring me?
The first fear that comes to my head is that I get misunderstood, what I mean by misunderstood is that most doctors and nurses I came out to think that I’m transgender as a result of me being a wheelchair user. Because I can guess that I’ll have to answer a lot of intimate questions, I fear that I answer wrong or something. My anxiety is a worry because I might have to take breaks at the meeting to calm myself down.
My hopes and desires?
I’m lucky that I’ve friends who went through the process before me, so they tell me what will be happening. I chose to ask another trans man to come with me as support. I hope that the nurse doesn’t find anything that won’t allow me to have hormones. Hormones that will help me deal with my gender dysphoria so basically all I need is the all clear with this nurse for me go to the next step which is meeting an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) which will lead me to the most thing I want testosterone.
Wish me luck,
Just to give you guys a heads up that this might become a bit depressing, so I get it if you don’t want to read this. Writing helps me process what I’m feeling and thinking. Have you ever felt alone even when you’ve a whole room of people ready to listen to you? That’s how I’m feeling right now. I grew up trying to avoid my feelings especially the feelings relate it to my gender. The fact that I haven’t came out to dad in eating me up with guilty. There are reasons why I haven’t told dad, the first one is that I’m scared he’ll reject me and disown.
Secondly, my dad doesn’t understand English and English is the only language I’m comfortable enough to talk about something as intimate as my transition from female to male and that made me miss out of a lot of things in my life. The biggest one is when my endocrinologist would give me testosterone which later on I found that that is illegal in Malta.
A few weeks ago I got invited to take part in a documentary about trans people in Malta, and I had to turn it down because it’s going to be on Malta’s National TV chances that my dad sees it and I don’t want to be outed on national TV. However, my friend is one of the project leaders so as soon as he allows me to share the documentary with you, I will so stay tuned!