Post Seeing My New Endocrinologist Thoughts

I wasn’t going to post this; in fact, it took me about a month to get the courage to post this. I’m not doing it for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this because it might help someone else and for me to read as time passes.

I must say that going into it; I felt like I was about to be served a prison sentence or being set free. I went into the room, and the nurse asked me who was waiting with me, and I said, mum and sister. The endocrinologist said good morning and started asking questions. I told him about my PCOS, and he opened my old hormones test and what he saw didn’t match with PCOS, and that was a bit of a shock for me. It’s what we were told I had when I was 15 before I was discharged by the gynaecologist I had.

 

Another issue is my antidepressants (fluvoxamine), which again I was given by a psychiatrist and was discharged by that doctor too. However, he didn’t tell my parents when I can stop taking them being that I was 15; therefore, still underage I had no say in it. Eight years later, I’m still taking them. As I’m learning more about myself, I’m noticing that I feel anxious every time I get dysphoria like they’re best friends or something I won’t have one without the other, which might be the problem here. But again, I’m not a psychiatrist.

When my mum enters the room, she acted very supportively, and that’s not the mum I have to face at home, as you know, my mum is sometimes transphobia. She made the endocrinologist believe that I’m the one who takes my mum out of my life. As you know, I tried so much to tell how I’m feeling, but she is a wall I can’t breakthrough. And her pointing fingers at me hurt, and that’s when I ended up in tears. Luckily as time passes, the relationship with my mum is getting better.

Alex

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The Definition of Normal /The Definition of Equal: The transgender story continues by E.S. Carpenter

I finished the first book in this dilogy back in 2017, and it was the first that I read that had a transgender main character. It was clear that Stephie was having a hard time dealing with the emotions that she is a girl inside. At the start of any transition, it brings a lot of self-blame and fear of the unknown, and I could read and feel how close to real life that aspect in the book is. I remember how strong friendships were. It taught me a life lesson that most parents accept their kids as who they are, even if that takes time. The love story between Jake and Stephie is to die for, adding to it was the lovemaking. I gave The Definition of Normal: A Transgender Love Story a five out of five stars.

I recurrently read The Definition of Equal: The transgender story continues (The Definition Duology Book 2) and I have mix feelings about it. We continue to see the love Stephie and Jake have for each other, while they take it to the next step. We meet with a new character called Colleen. Reading Colleen character was a reminder transphobia still exists even from those we love the most, our parents and in that case our friends become our family. I didn’t like some logics of things and the influence of society and how we don’t dare to step out of that box. Therefore, I gave this book three out of five stars.

The Definition of Normal: ...A Transgender Love Story The Definition of Equal: The transgender story continues... (The Definition Duology Book 2)

Alex

TRANSformazzjoni

The 7th of June (last month) I had a day off since in Malta it’s a public holiday here. Having said that I can’t remember why it’s a public holiday. I asked my friend if he wants to hang out and after joining me to the launch of TRANSformazzjoni. TRANSformazzjoni is a documentary by MGRM (Malta Gay Rights Movement). This documentary talks about and showcases trans people and their lives in Malta.

TRANSformazzjoni features five people from the trans community here in Malta, who come from different backgrounds and with their own unique life story to share. From the first five minutes, I connected to the people I watched on screen.

Okay let’s fast forward backwards a bit, back in February I met my friend Alex, and he asked me to take part in it, but I couldn’t because I wasn’t out to my dad back then. And I didn’t want to be outed to my family if by any chance they end up seeing it.

To be 100% honest with you I did write something to go in the documentary which I don’t think made the final cut which doesn’t bother me. Most of us were in tears through out the whole thing, and for me, it was tough to watch because it felt like my personal story being told on screen. I started having flashbacks from my past, and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and was very close to face an anxiety attack right then and there.

Thankful I managed to calm myself down. I’m super glad to be invited and be able to attend and watch the launch of this powerful and meaningful piece of art. The ones who created this documentary just uploaded the whole thing on YouTube, so I’ll put the link down below so all of you can watch it. If you’re worried that you won’t understand it cause it’s in Maltese, don’t worry it has subtitles

Alex

Endocrinologists And Hormones: Today Is The Day

Hey, the day you’re reading this I’m at the gender clinic waiting to meet my third endocrinologist, and I don’t think I ever gave my full story when it comes to hormones and endocrinologists and to do that I’m going to have to go back to the very start of everything. I believe that raw and honest is the way to go.

A week before my 21st birthday, I felt like the world is falling on my head, and I couldn’t cope. So I went online and when on the support group that we have in Malta. They spoke to me and gave me links to groups that could help me. I searched all the organises, and the one that stood up to me, so I sent them a Facebook message. That’s how I met my social worker, and she gave me a name to what I was feeling. She confirmed that I’m trans, and I have something called gender dysphoria from my answers to her questions.

The first few months of my transition, I thought that I wouldn’t need testosterone but as soon, as I stopped denying my mind the freedom. It just clicked, and I knew I wanted to help with hormones to help me physically and mentally. I went to the doctor that takes care of me for cerebral palsy came out to her, and I asked her for a blood test to check my hormones levels given that I have PCOS, and I also asked for a referral to an endocrinologist.

She told me that I would need a psychologist, so she gave me another reference to one. (In Maltese law you  don’t need a psychologist or a psychiatrist to start hormones). I took my blood on the same day, and a few days they gave me appointments to both clinics on the same day. The first appointment with the psychologist went well, in fact, she’s my psychologist to this day.

However, I can’t say the same for the endocrinologist. I entered the room, and the doctor yelled my death name and asked me ‘what are you doing here?’ I said because I’m trans and I want hormones. I told her that I’ve been 6 months out as a man and she called me a baby. She wanted two years with a psychiatrist and two reports from two different psychiatrists, which is against the trans laws in Malta. I never turned to see that doctor again.

A few months, I went to a private clinic, and this endocrinologist was a tiny bit more understanding. He said he could see that I’m trans from my history. However, he didn’t see my test result or explained them to me neither did the first one. The only excuse that this doctor gave me for not allowing it was that I wasn’t out to my dad yet, which is illegal because I was over 18 which means I didn’t need my parent’s permission.

So here we are today, I hope that this doctor doesn’t refuse my case, that I can take my blood tested again and explained and hopefully he will answer some of the questions I have, praying in the end that everything will lead me to start hormones.

Wish me luck,

Alex

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Pride Month Post 2: Trans And Disabled Dominick Evans

Last month my friend sent me this link and told me to read it but told me anything else so today I listened to the whole interview. I knew that I wanted my readers to meet Dominick Evans and understand that people with disabilities can still be transgender.

The first ever blog post that ever wrote was based on this subject. My endocrinologist came up with a lot of excuses because he saw that I’m a wheelchair user, so for me to Dominick Evans’s story is very important not only to show the massive strength that transgender community has but that we are unique like everyone else. Dominick is a non-binary transgender who was born with a condition called spinal muscular atrophy that forced him to live in a wheelchair by the age of 16.

Having said that doesn’t mean that his dysphoria stopped as he says in his interview. Dominick couldn’t have his hormone therapy because he had no way of transportation and the doctors didn’t help him when at last after years of trying he found an endocrinologist who gave him testosterone so that he could live life as his authentic self. He was severely bullied, and when he came out at age 16, things didn’t get better.

However, he didn’t give up later on in life he returned to WSU in 2010, where he completed his BFA in Motion Pictures Production inspiring him to become a filmmaker. In 2015, he won IndieFEST Award of Recognition with his first film Trip. If my research is correct, he lives with Ashtyn Law and his son Robert Law

Alex

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Will It Ever Be Father And Son?

If you read my last post on the subject, you know that going to my childhood home isn’t the easiest to cope as I said in this post here. Months ago, my mum outed me to my dad, and I guess she was right that was the most straightforward way of doing things and for the truth to come out.

I didn’t know that my dad knew, and I was about to change my name and gender marker. I wanted my dad to know, so I went to my mum and told her that I was worried because I wanted to come out to dad, but I knew he won’t accept me as his son, and my mum said to me that he already knew and didn’t get it.

In the same day when I had my gender clinic appointment, my mum needed to go to Gozo (where my dad and my dogs live), so after the clinic, I went with mum. My dad and I had a head to head conversation, and my dad said some of the most hurtful words I was ever told. To the point where I couldn’t even open out about the week after in therapy.

Guess what the day I’m writing this I’m back in my parent’s home because my mum wanted to come, and I had no choice but to come with them soon my mum is the only one who takes care of me. My dad and I are on speaking terms, but he still views me and thinks of me as his daughter, and before you come for me, I know that these things take time.

I’m willing to wait for things to heal because the saying says time heals everything. However, I’m worried that once I start hormones, my dad will disown me and that will be the end of an already rocky relationship. My relationship with my dad has always been rocky. For me to become my true self, I’m risking losing a parent for my life.

 

Always on the fight to become more me,

Alex

 

Today I’m Legally A Male

Today, the 21st of March 2019 I’m sitting here in a small cafeteria waiting for my notary to sign one of the most critical papers I ever signed. Going back fourteen years ago. My mum and I were talking in bed, and all of a sudden looked at my mum and asked her ”What will it take to change my name?” she said ”A lot of money.” and in a way, she just brushed it off. However, my mind kept dreaming that one day, I’ll have a name that belongs to my true self.

My hands are sweating because I’m excited but also scored, my mum, isn’t jumping for joy about it but she’s still here baby steps people baby steps. Okay, my notary is here. Time for my mum to step away and for my meeting to start. I don’t have much of a reason, but I decided I wanted to do this alone from start to finish.

Alex