Yes, I know that me writing this post might come back to bite me back in the future. A year ago, this month, I went through a messy breakup, and I’m about to tell you how it all went down. What I’m trying to take away from this post is one my thought process which I always do better in writing form and second I have hopes this might give some courage to those who need it.
So, I guess it’s storytime. I was about six months out as a trans, and of course, I had a lot of questions, so I went on a transgender Facebook and asked questions than someone was rude to me and there was one person who defended me, so I messaged him with a thank you. We became friends. Feelings started to fly, and we started dating. I became friends with his mum because she sent me a friend request. We dated for a week, and he dumped me and blocked me. Back in February 2018, he sent a friend request again. He told me that in a few months he is coming to Malta to see me.
We restarted our relationship, and we started making plans of me moving to Uk and get getting engaged and everything was going smooth. I went to get him from the airport; we need lunch, and he locked himself in my bedroom. In the evening, we went out, and he dumped me in pubic saying that he can’t cope with my disability. He lived and slept in my house without paying a cent for that or any of the places I took him to. All he did was moan how annoying Malta is which hurts.
A few months ago, I decided to plan a holiday and thought about going to a hotel close to where he lives, but after I told him about it and the way he reacted I quickly changed my mind, I’m going to Cyprus instead. A lot of healing needs to be done before I even think about dating again.
Do you know what’s weird? Posts about my personal life are the hardest to write, be warned that I’ll be talking about one of the most challenging periods in my life and going through my old eating disorder which might trigger people, so you guys know I’m not super comfortable with my body, and if you need a reason I’m trans and have gender dysphoria. As a teen, I didn’t have a ton of friends so as soon as I made a friend, they quickly became my best friend.
She got in a fight with me, and she said you should wear a bra sometimes, even if I wore them at the time, my mind had a wake-up call that people see my weakness and shame that I worked so hard to hide. I didn’t know there was such a thing as chest binders. I ate only two milkshakes a day using skimmed milk, not even whole fat mil, and I times skip the shakes too. My weight dropped, and at first, no one noticed not even me. I started experiencing headaches, throat aches, hair loss and inflamed gums in my mouth
By the time the people noticed, I had lost so much weight that I couldn’t do my tricks to look a healthy weight anymore. My school expelled me instead of helped me. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist and being that I was 15, I had no say in it. The psychiatrist gave me anti-depressants and discharged me, which of course didn’t work because the issue was much more profound than what meets the eye. As an adult, I started a psychologist that helped me understand my eating disorder and helped me heal.
What I want to say to you if you’re going through something like this it does get better even it doesn’t feel like it will right now. Just ask for help, have faith in yourself, and give it time like me you might need more time to heal.
I wasn’t going to post this; in fact, it took me about a month to get the courage to post this. I’m not doing it for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I’m doing this because it might help someone else and for me to read as time passes.
I must say that going into it; I felt like I was about to be served a prison sentence or being set free. I went into the room, and the nurse asked me who was waiting with me, and I said, mum and sister. The endocrinologist said good morning and started asking questions. I told him about my PCOS, and he opened my old hormones test and what he saw didn’t match with PCOS, and that was a bit of a shock for me. It’s what we were told I had when I was 15 before I was discharged by the gynaecologist I had.
Another issue is my antidepressants (fluvoxamine), which again I was given by a psychiatrist and was discharged by that doctor too. However, he didn’t tell my parents when I can stop taking them being that I was 15; therefore, still underage I had no say in it. Eight years later, I’m still taking them. As I’m learning more about myself, I’m noticing that I feel anxious every time I get dysphoria like they’re best friends or something I won’t have one without the other, which might be the problem here. But again, I’m not a psychiatrist.
When my mum enters the room, she acted very supportively, and that’s not the mum I have to face at home, as you know, my mum is sometimes transphobia. She made the endocrinologist believe that I’m the one who takes my mum out of my life. As you know, I tried so much to tell how I’m feeling, but she is a wall I can’t breakthrough. And her pointing fingers at me hurt, and that’s when I ended up in tears. Luckily as time passes, the relationship with my mum is getting better.
Let me be honest and transparent; this wasn’t the post I had planning, but after the event that I just went to and all the feelings I felt I think I need to vent about this topic for many reasons but mainly so I can process what I’m feeling.
Ever since I was a little child, people blamed me for my disability, starting with my own father. This issue cost me a relationship with him. The same happened nearly a year ago, but this time the person was my ex who left me after only a few hours after he came to Malta and his reason for breaking with me was that he couldn’t cope with my Cerebral Palsy.
Today, there was my best friend and the closest person to me on this earth, I think, or at least I thought he was till tonight. He planned a picnic on the beach. And I couldn’t access parts of the beach because of sand (if any of you are a wheelchair user you will understand what I’m about to say) wheelchair wheels get stuck in the sand and you won’t be able to move anywhere. All his friends wanted to go on the sand part. So, of course, I didn’t join them, and when I explained why my best friend said that’s just an excuse, so my safety became just an excuse in his eyes and that hurts me.
To all the people who have been blamed for your disability, it’s not you; it’s the other person or persons that are being only thinking of themselves or a better word for it selfish.
When a bird or a butterfly
For their lives
This is how
This is one of my favourite poems that I wrote in my boy. It’s true that I didn’t title any of my works from the book and there is a reason for it, I wanted you the readers to make my writing yours. To think your own life thoughts from your life.
When I tell people, I am a boy
They treat me like a broken toy
When you’re in the wrong body, it feels like a cage
Full of fear and rage
I am transgender is what I will yell
One day my body will get out of this hell
Myself is hard to embrace
When I feel like an empty space
The real me I want to see bloom
Even if I had to walk to the moon
No more shame
When I hear my birth name
Enough with being numb
Happy times will come
I remember very clearly where I was when I wrote this, I was at my dad’s in my childhood home. And feeling the pain that I was going through having told my mum and sister that I’m a trans guy and I remember being very angry at myself because I wanted to be the person that my family wanted so they would accept me.
Then, I realised that before they start to accept me and see me as a man, I have to do that myself first. A bit longer than a year and a half from that day. I did have a name change, and my gender marker changed to male, so my name carries no shame as I said in the last line, I still believe that happy times will come. I guess if I was honest, now that I’m rereading this I think it’s a reminder that everything will be okay in the end.
This is how you destroy your mother’s game, things needed: a Facebook game app, an IPad and me. In all fairness, I just tried to help. If you aren’t familiar with Facebook, it has games, and these games have apps that can be downloaded on your phone, IPad or other devices. My mum’s game is called Criminal Case, and after months of her begging me, I started playing too.
My mum has two Facebook account, so she always wanted to play her two games from the same app. So I went to my Mysteries Of The Past app (the game) and logged out and logged in her account and it worked so I logged out again and went back on mine. When my mum got home, and I went on hers to show her how to do it.
I logged off her account and logged into mine but then every time tried to log out and log in to hers I would only log back into mine, and I have her game on mine no, and we lost our game energy. I tried everything that I can think of to fix it.
The fact that I messed out my mum’s game is causing me a lot of anxiety, and yes I know it’s just a game, and I don’t mind losing my game, but I’m sad for my mum because she spent hours’ worth playing this game, and I destroyed it with one single click. I did email the team that takes care of the game, and I haven’t heard anything back. If you guys have any idea on how to solve this, please let me know in the comments.