Hey, I’m someone who likes to think that I can bury my deepest feelings and like to play a game of pretending. Acting like I’m a robot is way easier than digging into my human side and figuring out the reasons behind the way I feel.
Believe me, I understand that all of us have a fast-paced and busy life, so I do try and reach out, especially if I consider you a close friend. I only had one in the period I was trying to come out as myself. When I told them I’m trans, they started to make jokes about my body. For the sake of my mental health, I stopped messaging daily; then, my laptop needed a format, and I never downloaded skype.
Even before I came out, when a friendship turned nasty, comments about my body always came into play. I guess being friends with someone, and you would know how to push their buttons. Of course, talking to me, people picked up on the discomfort around my body and used it as a weapon to hurt me.
Being 21, friendless and new to the community, I was starving for relationships of any kind, good or bad. I was shocked by the backlash I got when people learnt I was a wheelchair user. So, here I was in a community I thought I would belong to, being told I don’t. It took me a lot of self-processing to reverse the self-blame I put on myself. Luckily, I think I’m at a place where I’m good alone or with friends or, one day, with a partner.