(I understand that this isn’t a happy post, but I wrote this a few weeks ago and got the chance to post it).
What makes me a man? The simple answer is something that I feel from within, how my mind thinks a way and my body shows another thing. I spent years suppressing the way I felt about my body. To try to remove the pain within by attacking my body. Unlike what psychiatrists say not everyone self-harms for attention, in my case I blamed my mind and body for feeling male.
Growing the message was that you need to use your body if you ever want to be loved. At which point I disconnected from my body and more often than not, I was just flash, and bones with my soul closed in a cage. My brain would go blank and would act like what society or my partner at the time wanted me to act.
I ended up putting myself in a dark hole and no matter how much I tried to dig myself out I couldn’t till I came out. I remember when I reached out for help, I told them I feel like I’m a monster. When I came out, my battle was nowhere close to over. The hardest part is dealing with the monster I thought of myself and come out of the shadows as the real me.